Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
