I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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