can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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