Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
