I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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