I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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