explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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