My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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