the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
