Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
