I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
