Texts From Last Night

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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.

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  (845): I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway. http://tfl.nu/8j56
  Replies (11) Good night (523) Bad night (1076)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

  (616): View more from Michigan

  What?!?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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  (810): Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police (616): What?!? (810): What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police http://tfl.nu/unre
  Replies (20) Good night (4545) Bad night (746)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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  (908): His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life. (732): sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner http://tfl.nu/i1p0
  Replies (26) Good night (1312) Bad night (5562)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
  Replies (17) Good night (5152) Bad night (1874)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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  (314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96
  Replies (14) Good night (3702) Bad night (1576)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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  (949): Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices. http://tfl.nu/flw8
  Replies (6) Good night (3119) Bad night (1169)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

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  (770): You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month. http://tfl.nu/j1wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1427) Bad night (615)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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  (775): I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH http://tfl.nu/ef88
  Replies (9) Good night (2093) Bad night (590)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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  (610): You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude. http://tfl.nu/8276
  Replies (6) Good night (1663) Bad night (610)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

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  (715): begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown http://tfl.nu/xg0v
  Replies (4) Good night (1010) Bad night (398)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.

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  (306): I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later. http://tfl.nu/c155
  Replies (3) Good night (833) Bad night (285)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Whats your number? 5 or more?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.

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  (512): Whats your number? 5 or more? (973): Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/b76i
  Replies (1) Good night (503) Bad night (655)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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  (202): I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part. http://tfl.nu/p8tj
  Replies (2) Good night (366) Bad night (979)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move

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  (727): I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move http://tfl.nu/nqhs
  Replies (3) Good night (412) Bad night (172)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.

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  (574): Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet. http://tfl.nu/biog
  Replies (3) Good night (202) Bad night (506)

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