I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
