Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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