Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
