I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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