my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
