He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
