I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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