my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
