Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
