Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just pee around me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
