She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Randomize
