My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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