threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
