apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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