there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
