I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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