Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
