dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
