Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
