Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
