i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
