Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
