The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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