Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
