i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
