nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
