Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
