So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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