All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
