That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
