We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
