um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
