shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They took my balls.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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