so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
