I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
