I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
