Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
