If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
