mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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