Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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