i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
