On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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