btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
