that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize