Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
