It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
