If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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