ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
