So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
