It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
